5 Tips for Coping with Holiday Grief and Stress

5 Tips for Coping with Holiday Grief and Stress

Already the Hallmark Channel is playing it’s marathon of Christmas movies. They are nostalgic, sweet stories. It’s an easy escape and some of the plot lines are a little cliche but after a difficult work day it can really help me decompress.

While there are certainly characters with problems during the holiday season, Christmas is presented in a positive, peaceful, magical light. However, I was reminded recently that this season is often times difficult for some families. I’ll be the first to admit it can be an overwhelming, stressful time for me between work, children, family functions, social functions, financial strain and gift planning. It can be a reminder of a person you loved and lost, a death or bring out conflict in some families. So how do you manage grief and stress during the holidays? Here are a few tips to help you along.

1. Slow down: prioritize your social functions, take time to breath and remind yourself of what it’s about. It’s about God sending his Son to the world and reconciling our relationship, it’s about peace, it’s about time with your loved ones.
2. Set your limits financially : make a budget, say no to functions if there are too many on your schedule, don’t over-extend yourself financially.
3. Find supporters that you can talk about your feelings with; friends, spouse, a counselor.
4. Give yourself permission to have feelings, both the ups and the downs.
5. Create reminders of the hope that is in you around the house, such as a nativity scene, and advent calendar, symbols that mean peace to you.

These are just a few tips on managing holiday related stress and grief.

What helps you manage stress and grief during the holiday season? Leave a comment below and join the conversations!

How to Stop Bullying? Listen Live Tonight!

On April 26th, a group of teens were walking home when a Jeep containing several more teens followed and harassed them. In the end, Nathan Wombles was senselessly and brutally struck and killed in front of his family while protecting his brother, who was in the group of teenagers walking home. On Wednesday’s Thrive Global Network’s show, I am on with Kellye Williams and Mary Nichelson. They will talk with Nathan’s wife regarding the incident and to learn more about the man that Nathan was. Then they will be joined by myself, Thrive’s own Jill Osborne-licensed professional counselor-as I helps them work through the reality of bullying. We are dedicating this 1-hour special to the Wombles family, Nathan’s memory, and to acquire hands-on advice in dealing with a subject that impacts everyone. It’s an all new Thrive Weekly Magazine at 7 PM EST. http://www.revmediatv.com/radio/thrive-global-network -with Sandra Finley Ludwig

How To Help a Child Grieve the Death of a Sibling

How To Help a Child Grieve the Death of a Sibling

iStock_0littlegirl in snow MediumOne of the questions I addressed to the listeners on Thrive Global Network dealt with the difficult loss of a sibling.

 

 

 

“What is the best way to help children deal with the loss of a sibling? (Our children were young when we lost 2 babies, but even as teenagers, their grief is very real and very present)”

 

Tips for parents with a loss of a sibling:

 

Loss of a child is one of the most difficult things families I work with deal with. Especially when you yourself are grieving and are caring for another child who is also grieving the loss.

In general there are 5 stages of grief. I like to look at it as more of a cycle because I think that people experience grief and loss in some way as they grow and change. For example holidays and anniversaries/birthdays you may experience sadness, grief of some sort even if you have come to accept the death of a person.

Also as a child grows they gain new insights to their lives and may experience the grief emotions differently as they grow. As children become teenagers they now may have a better understanding of the situation and have developed more insight. It is important to find some way to remember the person during these times and to allow yourself to feel the emotions of grief.

  • Accept where the child/teen is in the grief process
  • Encourage, but don’t force expression of emotions
  • Grief is not a “problem to be fixed”, but something that must be experienced and felt. I see it as part of the healing process after a death or a loss
  • Talk to your kids about how they may experience these feelings in their life again and it’s ok
  • Continue to set appropriate limits with your children, “you feel____ but it is not ok to show it by throwing the toy or hitting your brother”
  • Keep regular routines
  • Reinforce positive memories, show pictures, create a memory book or photo album
  • Ok to be honest about your own feelings (I feel sad) without being too overwhelming
  • Adolescents can really benefit from participating in memorial events (not forced but given the opportunity)
  • Sometimes the questions children have or the explanations can be uncomfortable for adults, and many adults try to protect children by avoiding clear terms, but it is important to understand that these questions are part of a child’s normal development and how they are trying to understand what has happened.

A story that I use with young children who’ve lost a sibling is called “Always My Brother” by Jean Reagan, which addresses sibling loss. Stories are great because they break down sometimes difficult issues in to a language children can understand

There are Five Stages of Grief : As presented by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross who “On Death and Dying”

Shock/Denial: disbelief that the death has occurred, or feeling numb to the death, others may mistakenly believe the person is fine because they are not crying or acting out or are showing little emotion.

Anger: either anger at the person who died, themselves (may blame self) or circumstances, child may act out or feel out of control

Bargaining: “If I am a good kid God can bring the person back” may have feelings of guilt

Depression: sadness, withdraw, realization the person is gone, feeling lonely, wanting life the way it was before the person died

Acceptance: Understands the reality that the person is gone and life is changed, misses the person but feels hope that things are going to be all right

Children experience losses differently depending on their age and development, and while the death may have occurred while they were small, when a person gets older you develop more insight into your life and issues and events or reminders or life events may bring up some feelings about the deaths.

Have you experienced the loss of a sibling yourself? Or have a question or comment about todays post? Leave a comment below and join the conversation.

 

 

 

10 Things I Learned From My Supervisor, In Memory of Judy Todd

It’s been a year since my clinical supervisor and mentor, Judy Todd, died. I’ll never forget going to visit her in the hospital after her cancer diagnosis. I think I knew in my heart she was going to die. I felt sad, worried, scared. Since then I think of her frequently, mostly I miss her when I don’t know what direction to take with a client. I miss my group with her. I’ve looked  for another group and nothing is the same. We went through a lot together, both clinically and professionally. I could always count on her to be stable, calming, and to know what to do. I’m still friends with the members of that group and other colleagues that knew Judy. In honor of her memory, I wanted to share some things she taught me.

Things I learned from Judy

1. Trust the relationship
2. Whatever happens, stick to your ethics
3. Breath and remain calm
4. Trust your instincts.
5. Focus on the child
6. Respect the child
7. Keep working through it
8. Have support
9. Play therapy works
10. Have confidence in yourself as a therapist

Supervisors and mentors are so important in the field of counseling, and I  think her death re-enforced my belief in having someone more experienced than you in your life that you can consult with and learn from, and how long you can build a relationship with a supervisor. My relationship with her was a career making decision. From the first time I sat in on a play therapy session with her, and fell in love with it, to times in my career where other people around me were making poor ethical decisions supervision with her kept me grounded, focused, and confident in my work as a therapist. I hope that if you are under supervision, just starting out as a counselor or even someone who has been in a field a while that you have a mentor like I did.

Do you have a positive experience with a supervisor too? Share in the comments below and lets encourage each other!

How to have Peace in Times of Trouble

LogoColorNoText.jpegI recently experienced the death of a supervisor that I respect and care about a lot. I never thought that when I walked into Haven House as a counseling intern that it would lead to a successful career of helping and caring for hurting children. I feel sad about the loss, and find myself experiencing similar feelings of grief that I help my clients work through every day. Grief doesn’t feel good. It’s many feelings rolled into one. It’s a process that i know if I ignore it will leave me stuck.

It has me asking questions that many people ask. For example, a friend of mine posted on Facebook the other day about why a God that is good and loving allows troubles in our lives and in the world. Why did a wonderful lady like my supervisor go through the pain, suffering and death that she did? Why, did a God with unlimited power to heal her illness allow her to die when she did?  There are so many different answers one can get from that question. Why?

While I will not know the complete answer to the question about why do people hurt, experience pain and evil in the world, I can go to the words of Jesus for comfort.

1. He knew what grief felt like.

John 11:33-36

33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?”he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
35 Jesus wept.
36 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

2. He overcame the world.

John 16:33
New International Version (NIV)

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

3. You can also look at Jeremiah and what God told him about the suffering and persecution he was facing.

Jeremiah 12:5-6 The Message

“So, Jeremiah, if you’re worn out in this footrace with men,what makes you think you can race against horses?And if you can’t keep your wits during times of calm,what’s going to happen when troubles break loose like the Jordan in flood?Those closest to you, your own brothers and cousins,are working against you.They’re out to get you. They’ll stop at nothing.Don’t trust them, especially when they’re smiling.John 16:33

How to Talk to Children About Tragedies in the News: Wisdom from the Late Mr. Rogers

The recent tragedy in Boston may leave parents wondering how to address devestating news with young children. While I want so much to shield my own child from these horrible disasters in the news, it is realistic that he may hear about it from some other sources. I think Mr. Rogers addresses these issues the best.

Fred Rogers Talks about Tragedies in the News

Mr. Rogers: Look for the Helpers

Huffington Post: Article Highlighting Wisdom from Mr. Rogers

 

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