Compassion for Yourself

Compassion for Yourself

Wow, What a year 2020 is turning out to be. So many ups and downs in the world, our country, our families and our emotions.

Between juggling the changes I’ve made due to COVID19 both in business, with clients and my own family it certainly is an emotional roller coaster. I feels like finding sanity and peace are so far away some days. I could make a list of “how to’s” to self care, or “how to parent during a pandemic” or “how to keep from going insane with all the cancellations and changes.” But it just doesn’t seem to say enough to me. I have found myself making changes I’ve never thought I’d face. From cleaning, to masking, from the telehealth maze there are so many shifts.

If you’re like me you started off hopeful that we could get through this, and there are many days I feel that way. It’s like I am choosing between being grateful and finding purpose in the problem and feeling anger, sadness and fear over seeing my clients, supervises and loved ones try to shift their own priorities and face layoffs, office closures and health issues.

What really has helped me to move through this without completely losing my mind (most days) are my faith, my friends, my family and taking each day and each issue one at the time, and yes seeking out my own therapy.

Most people know me know that I’m pretty open about the fact that as a therapist I find it crucial to go through my own therapy from time to time. It helps relieve burnout, compassion fatigue and also manage the difficult emotions that sometimes occur when faced with the reality of the trauma my clients face. And at the end of the day I feel like I’m asking others to engage in therapy so why not myself?

I will never forget when I was a newer therapist being encouraged to start attending myself. I am thankful for that nudge. There is no shame, no guilt and no it does not mean you are weak if you ask for help.

If you are struggling right now I encourage you to find support for yourself. Here are some signs that you may need to seek your own therapeutic support:

Common signs of chronic stress:

  • irritable/angry, nervous/anxious, lack of interest/motivation, fatigue, overwhelmed, depressed/sad
  • Feeling lack of control, guilt,
  • Constant thoughts of a situation that won’t go away
  • Withdrawing from others
  • Tearfulness
  • Not participating in enjoyable activities
  • Finding it difficult to relax

 

Brave

Brave

Courageous behavior or character

Google Dictionary

2019 is a Brave year for me. I am saying goodbye to some old things and beginning lots of new things. Sometimes these changes are difficult in our field of counseling because sometimes our life changes affects the lives of the clients we see.

It’s scary, I know. Change. Uncertainty. What’s next? You may be asking yourself if you are ready to start the new job, work towards your Registered Play Therapy Credential, or leave a steady paycheck for private practice.

There are many feelings you can have when you’re making these sort of changes, fear, excitement, sadness, happiness, anxiety, and joy all rolled into one, or at different points along the journey. It’s never easy. But I find that it’s worth the challenge. It stretches me as a therapist and as a person. It sifts out the parts of me that need to leave and brings to the surface what I’m made of.

It grounds me, and my roots into my faith and values grow deeper and I grow closer to whom I believe God as asking me to be in this world.

So what do you do when you’re juggling all the changes so that you don’t feel like you’re going to lose your mind? Here are a few things that have helped me.

  • Ask for Help.
  • Be extra intentional about scheduling time for recreation and family bonding.
  • Partner with a friend/colleague that you can bounce things off of or call and unwind with.
  • Journal.
  • For me, staying consistent with my faith practices (prayer, reading spiritual books, etc..)
  • Remind yourself that you’re not alone and that your feelings are normal.
  • Seek your own therapy if needed.

Whatever you are Braving this year I hope you have Courage, to push through the fear, past the uncertainty, and into the new things this year will bring.

Why Gratitude when Times are Tough?

Find our souls

Today is…Gratitude day. This has been the hardest year of my life. I have never worked harder, prayed more, felt more, etc… the last year and a half. there where some family and financial challenges that I didn’t see coming, and also doors God opened for me that have been both exciting and inspired me to look myself in the mirror and really start focusing in on what I believe God has called me to do, and who I believe God really wants me to be in this life. I had to ask myself and challenge myself to continue living in integrity and professionalism in the face of disappointments and setbacks. I’ve had to make some tough choices for my family and it hasn’t been easy.

It’s difficult in the beginning, when you’ve faced disappointment, humiliation and hurt to see what those disappointing situations are doing for you in your life. It’s easy to crawl into a hole and want to stay stuck in an attitude of anxiety, bitterness and anger if you’re not paying attention. Of course I have days where I feel all those things, grief, sadness, and stress. But, then when I have that brief moment of fresh perspective and am able to look back at how those challenges are helping to shape me into a better version of myself I start to feel Grateful. Grateful for the privilege to grow, and learn about myself. Grateful for provision in tough times. Grateful for the supports in my life that help me through those tough situations.

For many, who are facing trauma, grief, and general life challenges, this is not an easy place to get to. It takes talking with people who are empathetic, friends, family or a counselor that understands. It takes focused prayer and (for me) lots of journal writing and tears to get there. But that I can see how I am stronger, more focused and more determined than at many other points in life, I am thankful for the challenges.

We want our lives to be challenge free, hurt free. We want our courses in life, whether you are pursuing your counseling career, trying to have children, grow a business, or heal from a hurtful situation to be smooth and easy. However, the truth of that matter is that setbacks and hurts are going to happen. They try to throw us off course and off our purpose in this world, or make that purpose a little less clear for a while. But in the end, they help build us, grow our faith and purpose as counselors, as people.

Shedding the Old and Putting on the New

Shedding the old life and old things can be an uncomfortable place to be in. There are times where it is necessary. For a long time I felt like I found myself in a holding pattern, stuck and unable to move forward, and waiting around for the next thing to satisfy me. It causes a lot of mixed emotions for me. Sometimes hurt, sometimes anger and frustration, sometimes confusion, and sometimes it feels like pure focus and determination.

It changes day to day for me. But the other day I began writing down what I’m grateful for, and I realized that when I look back, I’m really not stuck. I looked around and saw many of the goals I set and many of the desires that I feel God has put in my heart are actually coming together and making sense.

It doesn’t always feel like it, but we really are moving forward, one day at a time, one small step towards the goals we have. Then, before you know it you look around, and there it is. You’ve reached your goal. You’re there in the career you prayed for, the new relationship, the blog you decided to start, or the book you dreamed of writing.

I think sometimes we want to look at the big picture, and forget the smaller steps that led us there. That one phone call, that one prayer, that one chapter you wrote that turned into another, and then another until the book is completed.

The change is in the smaller steps and decisions that lead to the larger dream.

What small decisions have you made that have helped your journey? Please share in the comments below.

Sanity for the Working Parent

“Mommy you don’t play with us.” Ouch. My kid said this one day when we were at home and talking about a game we are about to play. What an awakening. I work with families and children. I play with children all day long. And I always felt like my priorities were right. But this got my attention. I have been working a ton recently on some awesome opportunities, and some things have gotten off.

As a therapist and a mom it is always a challenge to balance both career and family. I’m a pretty driven person who deals with a streak of perfectionism, so if I’m not careful I can find myself out of balance. I see this issue come up time and again both with parents of the children I work with, supervisees and other working parents. How do you have a career that supports your family financially, but at the same time stay connected with your family? I have the fortunate opportunity to be able to adjust my schedule and have flexibility, and not every family has that. However there are some things that I do that helps me, and I hope that it can help other parents to readjust as necessary. Please note I have NOT perfected this in anyway and am constantly learning how to incorporate these in my own life.

 

  1. Let go of getting everything done all the time. Some things will be left undone. There is finite number of hours in a day and it is impossible to complete everything every day.
  2. Make the time you do spend with your children/family count. I make it a point to keep my weekends low key and not over scheduled. This is necessary both from a self-care point of view and bonding with my children. We have certain routines that we do keep on the weekends (such as at least one day we have movie and pizza night).
  3. Set a cut of time for work. In my field it can seem like there is something to do all the time, and setting a cut off time to stop working and go home has worked wonders. I will even put “GO HOME” on my schedule to give myself a visual reminder to NOT SCHEDULE SOMETHING THERE.
  4. Say no more than you say yes. It is tempting to take on multiple projects, Post this! Schedule this! Volunteer here! But giving yourself permission to say no sometimes will help focus your attention on the things that matter the most.
  5. Plan self care times every day to decompress. (for me it’s herbal tea before bed and watching something stupid on TV).
  6. Seek out consultation and networking with other parents in your field. You will find that it’s not just you, no you’re not crazy for being a working parent, and also remind you that we are in this together.
  7. Accept help from others.
  8. Ask for help.
  9. Give yourself the permission to adjust as needed. I have found that I have had to adjust my schedule or way of working every few years as my family’s needs change. My family’s needs change depending on the stage we’re in, for instance my kids had different needs when they were babies, but now that one is preschool age and the other is school age they need attention in different areas.
  10. Make smaller adjustments as you go along, rather than big leaps. Change happens as you make small adjustments to your schedule and your life, generally not in one big leap. And sometimes the simple adjustments (such as adjusting your cut off time for one day) makes a bigger impact than you expect.

 

What helps you maintain your sanity as a working parent? Whether you are a therapist or not? Leave your suggestions in the comments below. I can’t wait to read everyone’s tips.

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