5 Tips for Coping with Holiday Grief and Stress

Already the Hallmark Channel is playing it’s marathon of Christmas movies. They are nostalgic, sweet stories. It’s an easy escape and some of the plot lines are a little cliche but after a difficult work day it can really help me decompress.

While there are certainly characters with problems during the holiday season, Christmas is presented in a positive, peaceful, magical light. However, I was reminded recently that this season is often times difficult for some families. I’ll be the first to admit it can be an overwhelming, stressful time for me between work, children, family functions, social functions, financial strain and gift planning. It can be a reminder of a person you loved and lost, a death or bring out conflict in some families. So how do you manage grief and stress during the holidays? Here are a few tips to help you along.

1. Slow down: prioritize your social functions, take time to breath and remind yourself of what it’s about. It’s about God sending his Son to the world and reconciling our relationship, it’s about peace, it’s about time with your loved ones.
2. Set your limits financially : make a budget, say no to functions if there are too many on your schedule, don’t over-extend yourself financially.
3. Find supporters that you can talk about your feelings with; friends, spouse, a counselor.
4. Give yourself permission to have feelings, both the ups and the downs.
5. Create reminders of the hope that is in you around the house, such as a nativity scene, and advent calendar, symbols that mean peace to you.

These are just a few tips on managing holiday related stress and grief.

What helps you manage stress and grief during the holiday season? Leave a comment below and join the conversations!

How To Help a Child Grieve the Death of a Sibling

iStock_0littlegirl in snow MediumOne of the questions I addressed to the listeners on Thrive Global Network dealt with the difficult loss of a sibling.

 

 

 

“What is the best way to help children deal with the loss of a sibling? (Our children were young when we lost 2 babies, but even as teenagers, their grief is very real and very present)”

 

Tips for parents with a loss of a sibling:

 

Loss of a child is one of the most difficult things families I work with deal with. Especially when you yourself are grieving and are caring for another child who is also grieving the loss.

In general there are 5 stages of grief. I like to look at it as more of a cycle because I think that people experience grief and loss in some way as they grow and change. For example holidays and anniversaries/birthdays you may experience sadness, grief of some sort even if you have come to accept the death of a person.

Also as a child grows they gain new insights to their lives and may experience the grief emotions differently as they grow. As children become teenagers they now may have a better understanding of the situation and have developed more insight. It is important to find some way to remember the person during these times and to allow yourself to feel the emotions of grief.

  • Accept where the child/teen is in the grief process
  • Encourage, but don’t force expression of emotions
  • Grief is not a “problem to be fixed”, but something that must be experienced and felt. I see it as part of the healing process after a death or a loss
  • Talk to your kids about how they may experience these feelings in their life again and it’s ok
  • Continue to set appropriate limits with your children, “you feel____ but it is not ok to show it by throwing the toy or hitting your brother”
  • Keep regular routines
  • Reinforce positive memories, show pictures, create a memory book or photo album
  • Ok to be honest about your own feelings (I feel sad) without being too overwhelming
  • Adolescents can really benefit from participating in memorial events (not forced but given the opportunity)
  • Sometimes the questions children have or the explanations can be uncomfortable for adults, and many adults try to protect children by avoiding clear terms, but it is important to understand that these questions are part of a child’s normal development and how they are trying to understand what has happened.

A story that I use with young children who’ve lost a sibling is called “Always My Brother” by Jean Reagan, which addresses sibling loss. Stories are great because they break down sometimes difficult issues in to a language children can understand

There are Five Stages of Grief : As presented by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross who “On Death and Dying”

Shock/Denial: disbelief that the death has occurred, or feeling numb to the death, others may mistakenly believe the person is fine because they are not crying or acting out or are showing little emotion.

Anger: either anger at the person who died, themselves (may blame self) or circumstances, child may act out or feel out of control

Bargaining: “If I am a good kid God can bring the person back” may have feelings of guilt

Depression: sadness, withdraw, realization the person is gone, feeling lonely, wanting life the way it was before the person died

Acceptance: Understands the reality that the person is gone and life is changed, misses the person but feels hope that things are going to be all right

Children experience losses differently depending on their age and development, and while the death may have occurred while they were small, when a person gets older you develop more insight into your life and issues and events or reminders or life events may bring up some feelings about the deaths.

Have you experienced the loss of a sibling yourself? Or have a question or comment about todays post? Leave a comment below and join the conversation.

 

 

 

“Always My Brother” Interview with author Jean Reagan about Sibling Death

Always My Brother CoverI am thrilled to post this interview of author Jean Reagan, who is the author of “Always My Brother.” “Always My Brother” is a story for children who are dealing with sibling death. This is the first book I have read on this specific form of grief, and I highly recommend it for use with clients, and for parents who may be dealing with their own child’s death. Please visit Jean’s website and read the Story Behind section if you would like more information about their journey of grief, and inspiration for this book.

1. What inspired you to make this a children’s book?

First, some background. In 2005 after a roller-coaster year of hopes and setbacks, our nineteen-year old son, John, died of a drug overdose Jane, our seventeen-year old daughter became an only child. As we faced our grief, I watched how the death of a sibling is discounted. Well-meaning people offered me (and my husband) comfort, but rarely seemed to acknowledge Jane’s tragic loss.

Through research I learned that sibling death is often considered the unrecognized grief.Surviving siblings are sometimes even admonished to be “extra good,” because their parents are grieving.In “ALWAYS MY BROTHER,” I wanted to honor siblings for the devastating loss they face, to normalize the contradictory emotions they experience, and to offer them realistic hope.

I chose to write a picture book rather than a teen book for several reasons.A. There are many teen books about loss of all kinds, including sibling death.B. There are no picture books aimed at a young audience on this topic.(In fact, a “Needed Subjects” column in a writers’ magazine expressed a need for picture books about the death of a sibling.)C. As an author, picture books are what I write.

On a personal level, I wrote this book because I wanted my daughter to understand that at some level I understand the utter devastation of her loss.

Because “ALWAYS MY BROTHER” is aimed at children it does not exactly mirror our own family story.I made the characters younger and did not specify the cause of death.Yet the book reflects the emotions and experiences of our grief journey.For example, I made sure to include a returning-to-school scene, because that is a particularly tough step for grieving children.

For the grieving child or family I wanted to:

  • portray and affirm their often confusing, contradictory emotions.
  • offer realistic hope that with the passage of time the gripping, paralyzing pain would ease as the family members cherish and honor the memories of their loved one.
  • create opportunities for shared conversations.

For friends, extended family, classmates, and teachers observing the grief I wanted to:

  • provide a window for them to see and better understand the internal grief.
  • create opportunities for conversation.
  • foster courage in them to reach out to the grieving child or family.

2. Have you written other books before?

I had written over ten picture-book manuscripts, all silly and quirky. “ALWAYS MY BROTHER” was the first one I sold. When I told my daughter I had sold a manuscript, this one, she hugged me and said, “That’s the one I wanted you to sell.”

My second book, “HOW TO BABYSIT A GRANDPA,” will be published by Knopf in the spring of 2012, in time for Fathers’ Day! And, yes, it’s silly and quirky.

3. Besides writing, what else do you do (do you have another job, stay at home, etc..?)

For four months each summer, my husband and I serve as wilderness volunteers in Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming. We live in a patrol cabin that has no running water or electricity. There are bars on the windows, to keep out the bears. To reach the cabin you hike (or canoe) four miles from the nearest parking lot. Our patrol area has twelve shoreline campsites scattered across three lakes. We love being surrounded by nature, and we love visiting with hikers and campers from all over the world.

The rest of the year I write and enjoy modern conveniences!

4. What is the main lesson you want children to gain from this book?

I want grieving children to feel acknowledged for their loss, comforted that their contradictory, raw emotions are “okay” and normal, and reassured that their excruciating pain will lighten as time goes on because they carry their loved one’s memory with them always, in their daily life.

5. What would you tell another parent going through the loss of a child?

If possible, seek out peers for you and your child. By “peers” I mean other parents who have lost children and other children who have lost siblings. Many hospitals and therapy centers have grief groups for all ages. Compassionate Friends is a national non-profit organization that offers comfort, resources, and workshops for grieving families. There are local chapter meetings throughout every state. I am also deeply grateful to my two friends who had lost children before me, because they helped “light the path” on my grief journey. They still do.

Writing in a journal always felt like a chore to me. Yet, after John died, I found it very helpful. I didn’t write poetically or lyrically. In fact mostly I made lists. Lots and lots of lists. And they were most definitely NOT “to do” or “should” lists, but instead were “memory,” “wailing,” or “questions” lists. (The latest issue of Grief Digest includes my article, “Baby Steps for the Non-Journaler.”)

Keep talking.Within your immediate family, your broader family.With friends.With colleagues, neighbors, and co-workers.

6. Are you working on any new writing projects for children?

I am in the early stages of two picture book manuscripts: one about a father and toddler’s outing to a park and another one about a new sibling. Fingers crossed that these will become books one day!

7. What would you like for child therapists to know about counseling a child and family who has lost a sibling/child?

Our therapist told my husband and me, “Be gentle with yourself.And be gentle with each other.”We both found that very helpful, especially as we faced particularly difficult and dark moments.

We all grieve differently; there is no right or wrong way to grieve.That can be a hard thing for couples (or family members) to understand.For example, my husband has never read my book.He is very supportive in every way, (He wrote John’s obituary, he faced the media, he created my website, etc.) yet he does not have the emotional strength to face the fictional grief in my book.He is already dealing with all he can.I am perfectly fine and understanding of this.We all do what we can and don’t do what we can’t.

A book I found particularly helpful is A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies. Two grieving mothers (a journalist and psychotherapist) organize a remarkable compilation of poetry, fiction, essays, and journal entries about the pain of losing a child.

8. What are the top 3 things that helped your family through this loss?

Our family has always been open and honest that drug overdose is the cause of John’s death.For us, this decision has made conversations about his death and our grief easier, more helpful, and less guarded.Grieving is devastating enough without coping with layers of judgment or shame!

Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays are particularly difficult.(As much as I heard this, I was still surprised, over and over.)Creating alternative activities while hanging onto cherished traditions is tricky, but critical to try to balance.Anticipating and planning ahead helps.We joined other families in their celebrations or we traveled to other places to help “mix up” our traditions.

Just like the family of four in “ALWAYS MY BROTHER,” our family became a family of three.I remember telling the therapist that our family now felt like a three-legged dog, but then right away adding, “But not happy, like all three-legged dogs seem to be.”The three-legged dog became my analogy for how our family of three will always be missing that “fourth,” but that we would learn to “walk” again and to be happy.Consequently I included the three-legged dog metaphor in my book.

_____________________Jean small

For more about my grief journey or about my writing journey, visit www.jeanreagan.com.

“Always My Brother” Can be purchased at: Amazon, Tilbury House, and other major book sellers.