What to Expect From Your Play Therapist if You’re Getting a Divorce
One of the most challenging issues a family can face is divorce. It affects everyone involved in some way. Children, parents, extended family, and others close to the situation. It can also be one of the most challenging and complex cases I can treat in play therapy. Emotions are high, changes are happening, and there are a lot of unknown factors. On a practical level, counseling for everyone involved is recommended.
So, if you, as a parent are going through a divorce, have been through a divorce, or planning on getting one, here are some ways to make your child gets the most benefit from play therapy and to assist your child in coping with the changes that are happening in your family and also what roles I can and cannot play as a child therapist.
Remember I’m there to treat your child, and am neutral when it comes to parental conflicts. Understand that I will not be able to fix your marriage. I cannot determine custody of your children. Custody evaluation is a separate role from therapy, and there are mental health professionals, primarily psychologists, that specialize in this area. Don’t involve me in your court issues. It is paramount that I be able to maintain your child’s confidentiality and a neutral safe space for them to process their emotions. This is a traumatic time for them, and involving me in court will often require that I break that confidentiality and it always affect my therapeutic relationship with your child. Give your child space for their own processing. Your child will love both of you. Both parents should participate in the therapy process in some way, taking turns to bring your child to therapy or coming together with them shows that you are supporting their journey through this process. Participate in your own therapy. This is a stressful and highly emotional time for everyone and I want you to take care of yourself as much as I want your child to get through this change as healthy as possible. Keep children out of adult conflicts. This includes parenting disagreements, knowledge about court proceedings over their developmental level, questioning your child about the other parent, or other situations where it puts your child in a no-win situation. If your child is upset or emotional, listen, empathize and allow for open expression of feelings even if it is difficult for you. Don’t blame, complain, or vent about your ex- or soon to be ex-spouse in front of your child. Be honest with your child: tell them what they need to know, when a change is occurring It is ok to say “I don’t know,” or “let me think about my answer” to questions children may have for which you yourself are uncertain. Be prepared for children to have various emotions. Maintain a predictable routine as much as possible Maintain your parenting limits and boundaries.
What do you do to support your child during this challenging time with your family?
Leave Your Comments Below
Mental Health Professionals, Join Our Next Training
with Special Guest Co-Presenter Lynn Wonders, LPC, CPCS, RPTS:
I looked at my schedule and I asked, “what did I do to myself.” It was the week before Christmas and I looked at my calendar and realized I crammed as many client appointments as I could all week, supervision appointments, all after a full training day the week before and amidst all the holiday to dos that weren’t yet done.
Man did I feel overwhelmed. I forgot the white space. You know, the space between clients to get my documentation done, the time to wrap up loose ends from training day, pay taxes, all the fun stuff.
I worked so long last week (training week which always adds more to dos’) that my 4 year old daughter asked me, “mommy does your work close?”
Oops. I overscheduled myself again. I felt guilty about it most of the week because I miss my kids and this time of year you plan holiday activities (our holiday pancakes with Santa was kind of a bust because 4 year old cried the whole time because she had an ear infection).
I know what I was thinking when I scheduled it all. I was thinking that I needed the money and my clients needed me. Feelings like I wanted to please others and not disappoint anyone by making them wait until January for an appointment.
On the other end of it, I prayed for this. I prayed for full client load, a growing training and supervision business, and to expand myself. Growing pains.
I think this kind of thing ebbs and flows for me. I go from not busy enough and broke to overdoing it. But I kind of feel like our business, the counseling business is like that. Ebb and flow. Busy and not busy. The trick for me is, I think, is noticing when it gets too much and pulling back and making necessary adjustments, sticking to boundaries, assisting clients to move along that are ready for discharge, etc.… and stop being so hard on myself when it starts to take over and run into family life, but just to make the changes I need to make.
Sometimes that advice is easy to say, but takes a TON of courage to pull off. I have had to work very hard at setting boundaries in general and it doesn’t come easy to me. I am really blessed right now when I think about it. To have enough work that I need to pull back and set boundaries in my daily schedule, time to breathe, time to write, and time to create.
Gratitude for it helps. Gratitude and making small adjustments along the way to tweak the overworked schedule into something more balanced. I’m thankful.
How do you manage your schedule when it becomes insane? Leave a comment below with your tips. Thanks!
It’s the day after a medical procedure and I’m still recovering. I have some help the day of but then I’m up and driving around the next day. I feel 75% myself, just sore. It’s been difficult to get rest and entertain my kids and get ready for my birthday party next week. And even though I gave everyone at work notice, it seems I still get client calls and messages. My brain got overwhelmed, and I found myself in a mood. You know the one. The one where I NEED to take care of myself physically and mentally but I can’t seem to turn off the thoughts. Thoughts of the to-do’s, thoughts of cases I need to address, and thoughts of the pressure I’ve felt the last few months. The overwhelm had sunken in and I caught myself spreading myself too thin.
How do I stop when my body is saying stop, slow down, but my mind says, go-go-go? I tried all the tricks, avoiding, talking to my hubby, trying to focus on the here and now, and even giving into some of the to do’s. All signs that I need to put on the breaks and re-adjust some parts of my life so that I can take a step back and look at the bigger picture. It’s crunch time. It feels like forever, but it’s not. There will be an end. Boundaries will be set, and space will be made where it needs to be.
It’s time to focus on what’s in front of me, the little people in my life, my faith, and my family. Serving others is most of what I do and there comes a point where it can overtake your life if you’re not paying attention, and I have to pull back some places and set more boundaries. Allow others help, to take over parts of my to do list (or trim it), and allow others to adjust around me rather than myself adjusting to them all the time. It’s a difficult shift for me. I tend to want to please others, and I’m hard on myself when I say no or if I can’t make everyone happy. I allow false guilt to set in if I’m not paying attention to my thoughts. But the truth is, I will never make everyone happy all the time I am not their source of happiness or healing. I am not the answer to all their problems. I am only a vessel that God allows to work through me. Boundaries allow God to work through me and teach others to rely on Him and to open doors for them. Sometimes my saying no and setting boundaries is leaving space for God to work in someone else’s life just as much as giving Him space to work in mine. It’s a freeing experience, really, to say no to something or set a boundary somewhere because it helps guide you to your goals, so you can let go of the things you need to.
What do you need to let go of when you find yourself needing to slow down? Leave a comment below and let’s support each other’s boundaries.
“Mommy you don’t play with us.” Ouch. My kid said this one day when we were at home and talking about a game we are about to play. What an awakening. I work with families and children. I play with children all day long. And I always felt like my priorities were right. But this got my attention. I have been working a ton recently on some awesome opportunities, and some things have gotten off.
As a therapist and a mom it is always a challenge to balance both career and family. I’m a pretty driven person who deals with a streak of perfectionism, so if I’m not careful I can find myself out of balance. I see this issue come up time and again both with parents of the children I work with, supervisees and other working parents. How do you have a career that supports your family financially, but at the same time stay connected with your family? I have the fortunate opportunity to be able to adjust my schedule and have flexibility, and not every family has that. However there are some things that I do that helps me, and I hope that it can help other parents to readjust as necessary. Please note I have NOT perfected this in anyway and am constantly learning how to incorporate these in my own life.
Let go of getting everything done all the time. Some things will be left undone. There is finite number of hours in a day and it is impossible to complete everything every day.
Make the time you do spend with your children/family count. I make it a point to keep my weekends low key and not over scheduled. This is necessary both from a self-care point of view and bonding with my children. We have certain routines that we do keep on the weekends (such as at least one day we have movie and pizza night).
Set a cut of time for work. In my field it can seem like there is something to do all the time, and setting a cut off time to stop working and go home has worked wonders. I will even put “GO HOME” on my schedule to give myself a visual reminder to NOT SCHEDULE SOMETHING THERE.
Say no more than you say yes. It is tempting to take on multiple projects, Post this! Schedule this! Volunteer here! But giving yourself permission to say no sometimes will help focus your attention on the things that matter the most.
Plan self care times every day to decompress. (for me it’s herbal tea before bed and watching something stupid on TV).
Seek out consultation and networking with other parents in your field. You will find that it’s not just you, no you’re not crazy for being a working parent, and also remind you that we are in this together.
Accept help from others.
Ask for help.
Give yourself the permission to adjust as needed. I have found that I have had to adjust my schedule or way of working every few years as my family’s needs change. My family’s needs change depending on the stage we’re in, for instance my kids had different needs when they were babies, but now that one is preschool age and the other is school age they need attention in different areas.
Make smaller adjustments as you go along, rather than big leaps. Change happens as you make small adjustments to your schedule and your life, generally not in one big leap. And sometimes the simple adjustments (such as adjusting your cut off time for one day) makes a bigger impact than you expect.
What helps you maintain your sanity as a working parent? Whether you are a therapist or not? Leave your suggestions in the comments below. I can’t wait to read everyone’s tips.
We all hear about self-care. As moms, therapists, and people going through the hustle of every day life. I have found myself thinking about it a lot lately, and I know that when I miss things, like going to church or socializing with other adults I notice I am not as focused as I usually am when faced with some of the daily challenges of being a parent (meltdowns, fussy babies, you know the real fun stuff).
So, What is it that you do to refocus and unwind?
Answer in the Comments below, and get the self-care conversation going. Thank you!
